Stop Being Polite & Assert Your Damn Boundaries
This week I had someone assume that, because of my profession, that I would want to have sex with him. I'm serious. After asking you all on instagram what assumptions you were sick of men making about you - I was inspired to record this week's episode. I'm going to get real with you and share why you need to stop being polite and assert your damn boundaries, while sharing a couple recent examples from my own life where I said screw you to being polite.
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Episode Transcript
I’m a Sensuality Coach and a Sex Educator. Before I started this work, I was a pole dancer & studio owner.
I’m pretty proud of the professions I’ve had and I’ve been working in fields I’m incredibly passionate about for years. But, being in what many consider quite a taboo industry, it can come with a lot of assumptions and judgments.
For the past 7 or so years, anytime I introduce myself and answer the inevitable follow up question of what I do - it’s followed with one of two reactions. Most people are super intrigued and have never heard of a Sensuality Coach before (because, well, I created the title!), and some people are super judgey with not much information. What’s extra interesting is to see how men respond.
Unfortunately, men who are - how do I put this? - less evolved? Yeah, I said it. They just looooove to jump straight to conclusions.
The assumption is that just because I’ m comfortable talking *about* sex, and that much of my work involves teaching about sex - that, of course, I *must* want to have sex with them.
I know this sounds ridiculous - because it is - but I cannot even begin to count how many times this has happened to me. It just feels like part and parcel of doing what I do at this point.
The amount of times, back when I shared that I was a pole dancer, that I had someone respond with “oh, wow, so you must be really flexible huh?” With a gross creepy grin? Too many to count. Like, yeah mate I am but I’m not about to do a split on your dick so keep walking.
Today I’m talking all about the ridiculously small amount of effort that some men put in when trying to hit on women. I’m going to share some stories from just the past month - purely for the lols - and then I’m going to get real with you and share why you need to stop being polite and assert your damn boundaries. Alright, let’s do it. Story time.
Just a few weeks ago, when I first arrived in Byron Bay, I’m sitting at a restaurant next door to my hotel, enjoying some delicious nachos and reading a book near an open fire. Having a lovely self-date. PS; I highly recommend self-dates, the best.
There’s a group of friends nearby trying to get the fire going and one of them almost bumps into me. He’s clearly drunk. His other friend warns him he’s about to walk in to the “avid reader” behind him. They apologise and I say it’s fine. They ask what I’m reading, I tell them the fire needs more twigs. We introduce ourselves by name, but that’s about it. It’s a short, but pleasant exchange. I get back to my book.
No more than 5 minutes later, out of the corner of my eye I see a hand holding up a phone in front of me. I look up and it’s this guy that I literally *just* met and likely have said a total of about 32 words to. He’s got his screen open to an empty ‘add new contact’ form.
Yes, I’m serious.
Now of course I knew what this meant. But since he hadn’t actually said ~ anything at this point ~ and I was kind of in shock that this was really happening, I just looked up at him and said, “What?”. To which he responded, do you want to give me your number?
I just looked at him and said, “I don’t even know you”. He goes, “This is me trying to get to know you”. Facepalm.
I told him that me giving him my number now insinuated that the getting to know me part would come later, but that I’d prefer to know someone first before I make a decision if I’m even interested in them, let alone in them having my phone number. He seemed legitimately confused.
He tried to gather himself up - I’m sure he’s used to people just obliging - and suggested I come over to sit with his friends. I said maybe and that I was going to eat some more nachos first and he went back to his friends.
Honestly I was so mindblown at the audacity of this man that I couldn’t quite focus on my reading anymore. I thought for a moment about what to do. Honestly, the part of me that is used to being super polite and never rude and was mentally preparing to go over and sit with this guy that I had ZERO interest in - and his drunk friends after he pulled that stunt. For a moment, I was really about to just go and do that. Because it was the *polite* thing to do, that wouldn’t be hurting anyone’s feelings. Never mind, that would ruin my night as I had no interest in doing it and I didn’t want to make conversation with people I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with.
But then, you know what I remembered? I’m a grown ass fucking woman and I do what I fucking want. And no part of me wanted to waste my precious time being polite and chatting with these people because one of them had just hit on me in the worst possible way imaginable.
So, I gathered my things, saw him looking expectantly waiting for me to come over, and said “have a good night” and left. Thankfully I was staying in a hotel next door and my room was just around the corner because as soon as I was out of earshot I burst out laughing as I couldn’t don’t believe that this thing had happened.
Honestly, mate? The fact that he taught this tactic would work says a lot - because I know I’m not the only woman who has given my number to a man that I had zero interest in out of fear of coming across as rude, unfriendly, cold, mean, frigid, prudish or a straight up bitch if I were to say no.
I know I’ve also had many occasions where maybe I did say no to someones advances or, god forbid, ignore a cat call only to have them flip and say “well you’re an ugly bitch anyway” - because they can’t deal with the rejection.
I want you to reflect back on your experiences - can you relate? Have you altered your behaviour, ignored your instincts or stretched your boundaries to avoid being judged like this?
I’m betting you probably have. And it’s no surprise. We’re conditioned to be polite. Particularly as women, we have it drilled in to us that manners are important - often to our detriment.
From saying no to giving someone your phone number, right back to when you were a kid and adults would say “don’t be rude, give them a kiss” when saying goodbye to family or friends. Even maybe you didn’t feel like it at all.
Where men have leadership qualities, women are told their bossy. We grow up shrinking ourselves, pandering to the needs of others and putting ourselves last.
In my experience working with women closely over the past ten years, I’ve seen that we are rarely taught the importance of setting our own boundaries, and that it’s okay to say no, it’s okay to disappoint someone rather than go along with something that doesn’t align with your values.
That’s honestly a revelation for a lot of my clients when we go and talk really deeply about boundaries. When I work with with clients boundary setting is of the utmost importance. It is one of the first things that I get my clients to do. Is to dive into what their values are and how they can create boundaries in their lives during different aspects in their lives so they can stay aligned always with their values and keep themselves sovereign and honour and respect themselves among all else.
So, my loves, I’m here to give you a bit of a shake, a bit of a fresh perspective and offer the opportunity to reflect on where you may be settling or allowing behaviour from others that really isn’t okay with you. Don’t be surprised here if you realise you are, and that you do it often.
First we start with awareness, then we do the work to be strong enough to honour ourselves and assert our boundaries when they’re crossed.
You won’t always get it right, but like anything, it’s about practice.
For me, I’ve been unpacking why I let someone disrespect me just in the past week. It’s a constant source of growth and like I said we are not always going to get it right.
So, for me, in the past week, here is another story -
I had met a guy at a group lunch a couple weeks ago, and had some nice chats at a few group events over a week or two. Lovely guy, but we’d probably only had a total of 20 minutes of 1:1 chats across about 4 different gatherings. No romantic connection whatsoever, and no clear interest - especially on my part.
And yet, this guy deems it appropriate to text me at about 6pm on a Saturday night, for a booty call. He thinly veiled it in some spiritual bullshit speak, talking about wanting to share ‘authentic connection and affection, to explore what’s “alive in the moment” minus the codependency and enmeshment that’s riddled in society.
Basically, a misogynist dressed in organic hemp linen clothes. I’m not buying it.
When I declined, he said he assumed I would understand and be interested - and I quote - given my choice in work.
So he’s assumed - very incorrectly - that since I’m a sensuality coach and a sex educator - surely I must be down to have sex with him. Ridiculous!
I shared a post over on instagram this week with the words “Just because I teach about sex, doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you” - I then asked you all to fill in the blanks with experiences you’ve had where men have assumed you’re up for it for the most basic things.
I got SO many responses to this - it was amazing. Here are some that came through:
Just because I smile at you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I show my body doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I dressed femme today doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I like to dance sensually doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m a nude model on the internet doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m nice to you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m in an open relationship doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I post sensual & liberated photos of myself doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m polite and friendly at work doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m comfortable talking about sex doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m open energetically doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because you say I have a nice ass doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I laughed at your jokes doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I am a sexual person doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I flirted with you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m on a dating app doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m talking to you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I invited you home doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m kinky doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m non-monogamous doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m dressed sensually doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I’m wet doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Just because I exist doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.
Oooooof, how many of those resonate with you?
This was such an interesting experiment and I was overwhelmed by the response from you all. That was just a small sample of what I got. We could be here all day if I was to read them all out but that was a sizeable chunk and it blows my mind that none of those are really surprising, you know what I mean? We are all so used to this kind of stuff where there is this assumption that it’s like ‘ oh yeah, I’ve heard that one too. People have assumed this because that happened I must be down. It should be more shocking.
I know that for a lot of my male followers having read this, they were shocked. It’s great for men to realise that and have that kind of shake, to wake up and question their behaviour ‘maybe I have acted that way’? Or realise that maybe they have seen their friends act that way and assume that way about a woman because she is dressed that way or because she does that or acts this way. Making those assumptions about her. All for men realising this. The intention behind this post was to allow you all a space to share your frustrations with me as I was sharing mine and to illuminate that this is a problem. That certain actions and behaviours don’t mean we are interested. It doesn’t give permission, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s got to be quite explicit, it’s got to be quite obvious for someone to think it’s going there.
So, what do we do about this?
Start by setting - and working to maintain - your boundaries. If you’re new to the idea of boundaries, definitely check out episode 11 on How to Set & Maintain Boundaries for a crash course. But a little run down for you. Boundaries are your responsibility. People are bound to cross them - be it intentionally or unintentionally - and it’s up to you to stick to them. This is of course easier said than done, particularly considering things like I mentioned before, where you may be judged harshly as having an attitude problem when in fact you just have standards and boundaries. Remember that boundaries are only a problem for the people who are used to crossing them.
Know your worth. You’re a sovereign human being and you get to decide what is best for you, what you do and don’t want to do. You set the tone for how people treat you. Don’t accept poor treatment. Don’t give people permission to disrespect you. Don’t allow it to happen. Become comfortable with *some* people perceiving you as a bitch. Better a bitch with boundaries than someone who can’t set their boundaries and constantly walked all over. Know that you’re honouring yourself by setting boundaries.
Call people out on their shit - if safe to do so - I know there are some situations where this can be dangerous. But ideally, have the courage to tell someone that they crossed the line. You’re doing yourself a favour, you’re doing them a favour so they can (hopefully) learn and grown and you’re doing a solid to anyone in the future who may now be saved from being disrespected by this person as a result of their newfound growth.
I hope this episode has given you some things to think about. I just want the best for you. You deserve to be treated with respect. So claim it, demand it. You’ve got this.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode, so go ahead and find me on instagram @Eleanorhadley and if it resonated and you think someone in your life would enjoy this episode - go ahead and take a cheeky screenshot now and share it to your stories and don’t forget to tag me!
Sending you so much love, lots of luck setting those boundaries. I’ll chat to you next week. As always, stay sensual.
