Sex Drive 101: All About Arousal
Some of the biggest concerns women tend to come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners.
Often my clients tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing, that there’s something wrong with them. They feel frustrated and despondent about their sexual desire - or lack thereof.
The knowledge I’m going to share with you today about arousal is going to change the way you view your libido forever.
You’ll learn:
The difference between desire and arousal
The accelerators and brakes of your libido
The two systems of arousal in your body
How to increase your libido
...and more!
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
Links & Resources
Take the Pleasure Language Quiz
Join my upcoming workshops here and join the waitlist for future workshops here
To work with me 1:1 head here
Find Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski in my Library here
Take the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire here
Buy Frenchie lube and other pleasure tools at my shop here
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
The Sensuality Academy Podcast is edited and produced with thanks to Lucy Arellano. You can find her work at @lucy_podcastva
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Episode Transcript
Hey there lovers, and welcome to episode 35 of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
So after our juicy Valentine’s episode last week, I thought I would continue on the pleasure train today.
Some of the biggest concerns women tend to come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners.
Often my clients tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing, that there’s something wrong with them. They feel frustrated and despondent about their sexual desire - or lack thereof. They get stuck in comparison traps and resentment if their partner consistently finishes and they don’t or that they don’t share the same turn-ons - maybe one partner is always horny at the drop of a hat but the other doesn’t feel that same pull.
If you can relate to any of this - or know someone who does, this episode is for you.
When I share the golden nuggets I have in this episode with my students at workshops and with coaching clients, there’s always a collective wave of relief that they are in fact normal, not broken. The knowledge I’m going to share with you today about arousal is going to change the way you view your libido forever.
For us women and vulva owners, our relationship with arousal and desire can be quite fractured. This is because we live in a society consumed by the male gaze. That is, we are conditioned to view women (and ourselves, if we identify as such) through a masculine, heterosexual lens that portrays women as sexual objects who exist for the pleasure of men.
And because of this, it means that we tend to forget to centre our own pleasure, and often don’t even know how. For many of the clients I’ve worked with, this looks like feeling the need to “perform” during sex, to put on a show, or to view his orgasm - if you’re sleeping with a man - as the main measure of a job well done. It also causes men to prioritise their pleasure over yours, to assume or sometimes even say that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t come in the same short time period as him - and, in some cases, that women don’t even like sex at all. This one baffles and, frankly, infuriates me. Because who the fuck is out there having sex with women for their own pleasure while holding the belief that women’ just don’t like sex that much? You know? Like, what the fuck? Unfortunately, though, this is a real occurrence.
So how can we fix this? Great question! By understanding the different desire and arousal types. In today’s episode, I’ll be sharing all about arousal types, and next week we’ll dive in to desire.
But firstly, it’s important that we understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal.
Desire is categorised as an interest in or appetite for sex - something akin to thirst and hunger
Whereas Arousal is the physical manifestation of sexual response. So things like an increased heart rate, getting ‘wet’, having an erection, blushing etc...
For those with penises: desire & arousal are often similar.
Desire triggers the blood flow that causes an erection & that physical manifestation of arousal is all they tend to need to get in the mood.
This is why viagra works. Stimulating arousal can stimulate desire.
It’s also why they’ve never been about to develop a female version of viagra.
Because vulva owners are different
For us, desire & arousal are not as clearly linked
In fact, it’s common to be very mentally aroused, while the body isn’t - or vice versa
This is called Arousal Non-Concordance and it’s very common
This is why we shouldn’t take lubrication as a strict measure of arousal - you can be ‘dry’ but really turned on, and ‘wet’ but mentally not enjoying it
So, if I haven’t mentioned it before - lube is your friend! Using lube is always going to make sex better and something we should never feel ashamed of. And - sidetone - if you’re looking for a good quality, natural, no gross and sticky lube - I highly recommend trying Frenchie. You can find a link to my shop and a discount in the episode description and shownotes.
Another important thing to note with arousal non-concordance is that it can also explain why some trauma sufferers may have experienced arousal. Please know that this is a normal body function and not indicative of you wanting, consenting or enjoying the abuse. It’s just a natural bodily sexual response.
(AROUSAL TYPES)
Now, let’s explore the different types of arousal, or what many consider to be the sex drive.
To illustrate this, I want to share a concept called the Dual Control Model
This concept views sexual response and arousal as the interaction between excitation and inhibition - so, being excited or inhibited in your sexual response.
Another way to look at it is turning on the turn ons and turning off the turn offs (omg try saying that ten times fast)
Now I know this may not be adding up just yet, but bare with me.
Consider your sex drive, your arousal, like the pedal in a car: the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake (I mean, it might roll slightly depending on the terrain on which it’s parked - but... we’ll discuss your environment later)
So, instead of simply taking our foot off the brake and expecting it to take off on it’s journey toward Pleasure Avenue, we also have to press the accelerator to make it actually go
Now, the same works in reverse: the car won’t move just by slamming the accelerator while you have your other foot on the brake.
You can try all you want but you’re just going to get frustrated and exhausted and burnt out.
And ultimately, you’re going to cause damage to your car in the long run, meaning it won’t function as well in the future.
So if we’re thinking of our sex drive in the car analogy - our car (our body, our pleasure) won’t drive without the proper balance and finessing of our brakes and accelerators
To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes
Earlier I mentioned being either excited or inhibited in your sexual response. These are actually the names we use to refer to our accelerators and brakes
Let me “break" these down for you now…hahah okay fine that was a bad pun. Anyway! Introducing….
The Sexual Excitation System (SES)
This is also known as your sexual accelerators
Or more simply put - your turn ons
This system is in constant pursuit of pleasure, and I mean constant, it’s always at work below the level of consciousness
So it’s always scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli
And because it’s scanning the environment, it’s picking up things in your sensory world - what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear) and sending a message to your brain & sometimes your genitals to turn on
Examples:
Mood lighting
Sight of the bed covered in rose petals
Smell of your lover’s fragrance
Sexy music
Certain types of touch
Toys
This can also be sexually relevant things you imagine that cause you to turn on too
Then we have...
The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)
This is the sexual brakes, or simply put your turn offs
This system constantly scans your environment for threats and reasons not to be aroused
Two types: external and internal
External =
fear of being caught
catching STI’s
Fear of unwanted pregnancy
temperature
safety in general
This is also the fear of the consequences of getting inappropriately aroused, like trying not to get a boner in a meeting
Internal =
body image insecurities
performance anxiety
‘meaning’
being up in your head
distracted/rushed
how you feel about the person
not feeling seen or appreciated
Social consequences
Now, every persons accelerators and brakes are different.
So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context.
Remember the car analogy where I mentioned that depending on the terrain, once you take your foot off the brake the car might actually move of it’s own accord before you press the accelerator? This can also be translated to consider our context. If you’re on flat ground and you take your foot off the brake before accelerating - the car still won’t budge. The environment isn’t stimulating.
But now think of it in the context of being parked on a hill, car facing forward. In this context, once you take your foot off the brake, the car is probably going to roll forward on it’s own, gathering speed for a while until you press the brake again or guide it in the right direction. Similarly - if your environment allows it and is supportive and stimulating, then all you may need is to release the brake to roll with it.
Alright, enough of the car analogies. All of this is to help you understand and appreciate the difference between your own SES and SIS, your turn ons and turn offs. Once you know this, you’ll see how easy or difficult it is for you to become aroused, what prevents or decreases your arousal, when you're most likely to want sex or why your arousal can sometimes shut down.
Some self enquiry for (yes, classic coach giving you journal prompts again):
Ask yourself…
What things turn me on the most?
When do I feel most open to exploring sex, be that self-pleasure or partnered sex?
What things turn me off, or give me a reason not to be aroused?
What situation, behaviours, actions lead me to lose interest in sex?
If you want to take this enquiry a step further, I highly recommend reading the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and taking the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire. I’ll link to both in the shownotes - you can also find her book on my library page on my website.
Tune in next week as we continue this enquiry in to libido, sex drive, arousal and desire and I’ll teach you about spontaneous vs responsive desire. I promise you, this will be a total game changer for your sex-life too.
Before I love you and leave you, I also want to announce that I’m going on tour! Yep, over the next couple months (that’s February and March if you’re listening in real time), I’ll be hosting workshops and day retreats in Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Sunshine Coast, Brisbane, Gold Coast and Byron Bay. After having to cancel all my international retreats in 2020 and not being able to host in person workshops for such a long time, I really can’t wait to get back in to it and to meet you all. All the dates are being finalised at the moment, so please keep a regular eye out on my events page at eleanorhadley.com/events for tour dates in your location. Also, be sure to sign up for the Sensual Sunday Love Letter to receive direct updates from me each week about tour dates, upcoming online courses (yes, The Art of Seduction is coming soon!) and for weekly embodiment exercises.
If we haven’t announced dates in your location yet and you’re keen to know ASAP, head to eleanorhadley.com/workshopwaitlist to get your name on the waitlist and be notified as soon as dates are announced. You can also request locations here, which is the perfect way for me to gauge interest and see if there’s enough people in a location for me to come out to you!
I’m also super excited to announce my Pleasure Parties! These are my bespoke at-home workshops. Simply grab a group of friends and I’ll come to you to share a discussion based workshop all about pleasure, sex, orgasms, desire, arousal and more. I’ll bring stock of my favourite pleasure tools and teach you how to use them (with the help of Vivienne the vulva, my vulva cushion). Think of it like a Tupperware party but wayyyy sexier and a whole lot more fun. Perfect for girl’s night, hen’s night’s or birthday’s. You can find more information, download the Guest Speaking & Teaching Guide and submit and enquiry form at eleanorhadley.com/events
Aright, my loves! That’s all for this week. I hope you learnt a thing or two about arousal and I’m excited to share all things desire next week! Don’t forget to screenshot and share this episode to your socials and tag me, share with friends, leave a wonderful review for me and slide on in to the DM’s to share your biggest takeaways.
Sending you so much love and until next time, stay sensual.
