Disconnected After Sex? Try These Aftercare Tips
Have you ever had really delicious sex only to feel disconnected, disappointed, or even just straight up disrespected afterward? Maybe your lover got up straight away, to leave or to do something else. Perhaps they rolled over and went to sleep without saying a word to you or just grabbed their phone and started scrolling. Any of those things sound familiar? If you've experienced these feelings or had a partner behave like this, you need aftercare.
Aftercare is the ways in which you continue the connection with one another post-sex to ensure that everyone feels respected. It is essentially any behavior that makes you feel respected, connected, and close with your lover. It's a way to soothe your nervous system after some intense sex or just some connection to come back down slowly coming back to real life. In this episode, I dive into all things aftercare. I share the do's, don'ts, and some ideas/top tips that came through from my IG community.
In this episode, you'll learn:
What is aftercare
The importance of aftercare
Romance vs intimacy
Post sex do's and don'ts
The top aftercare tips from my community
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
Links & Resources
Join the Embodied Course: Waitlist
To work with me 1:1 head to eleanorhadley.com/work-with-me
How to Talk About Sex with Your: Partner https://www.eleanorhadley.com/podcast/27
The Ultimate Conversation Starter for Better Sex: https://www.eleanorhadley.com/podcast/15
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
The Sensuality Academy Podcast is edited and produced with thanks to Lucy Arellano. You can find her work at @_saltmedia.co
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Episode Transcript
Hello, and Welcome to Episode 47 of The Sensuality Academy podcast.
It's been a while since I did a solo episode, and I really miss chatting with you, or I guess chatting at you. Anyway, the past six weeks, I've been busy facilitating my online course embodied, and oh my gosh, it has been so incredible. The transformations that happened in this course are amazing. And I'm just so so proud of all my students for being so dedicated to their journey to embodiment.
Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, embodied is a six week online experience, which will help you to drop into your most essential self through video lessons, curated exercises, workbooks, and guided meditations. Along with a weekly group coaching sessions with me, we explore how to feel truly embodied from the inside out. So each week of the course, we dive into a new topic to help you to connect deeper with yourself with your pleasure and with your loved ones. We explore such themes as Self inquiry and deconditioning, the energetics of feminine and masculine polarity, menstrual cycle awareness, self intimacy and self pleasure, sex, pleasure and orgasms and also relationships and communication. This course is an intensive exploration into my favorite topics that help you unlock your inner sensualista. And, enrollments for the next round of Embodied are opening soon. So if you're keen to learn more, be sure to get your name on the waitlist now, so that I can let you know as soon as doors open, and you'll get priority enrollment. Now if you've joined the waitlist before, but you didn't enroll, then make sure you register again because there's a new waitlist for this new round and I can't wait to do it all over again.
All right, now on to our episode. Have you ever had a really delicious sex only to feel disconnected, disappointed or even just straight up disrespected afterwards? Maybe your lover got up straightaway, to leave or to do something else. Maybe they rolled over and went to sleep without saying a word to you, or just grabbed their phone and started scrolling. Do any of those things sound familiar? If you've experienced these feelings or had a partner behave like this, you need aftercare.
What the hell is Aftercare Eleanor?
Simply put, it is the ways in which you continue connection with one another post sex to ensure that everyone feels respected. So, typically, the term aftercare comes from the BDSM scene, which, contrary to the uneducated assumptions, is a community that is founded on enthusiastic consent, clear communication and deep respect. Honestly, we could all do to learn a lot, a lot from the BDSM world. Nobody communicates about sex, consent, pleasure, desire and expectations, quite like those in a DOM sub relationship. But the world of kink and BDSM is a whole other topic and yes, I will absolutely be doing an episode on this in the future.
But for now, Aftercare.
In the world of kink aftercare is an essential and non-negotiable part of the culture. Often the scenes that are played out can be rather intense in nature, be that physically or emotionally and coming together and checking in afterwards is integral in maintaining a respectful relationship. Aftercare allows you to bask in the afterglow of sex. I've spoken in previous episodes about the discussions that should happen in the lead up to sex to ensure a more connected and pleasurable experience. Those are episodes 15 and 27, I've got links in the show notes for you if you want to check them out.
So clear communication before sex is super important. You all surely know by now how I feel about clear communication. I have so many episodes on communication techniques, and it's something that I'm super super passionate about. So naturally, post sex communication is no different, but we'll get to that in a moment. Firstly, what does aftercare even look like?
Aftercare is essentially any behaviors that makes you feel respected, connected and close with your lover. It's a way to soothe your nervous system after some intense sex or just some connection to come back down slowly coming back to real life. Now I know many of you may assume that this is only relevant for people in committed relationships. But nothing could be further than the truth. Even with a simple one night stand or your regular session with your fuck buddy. Aftercare is important. It helps people feel validated, respected, and cared for. Contrary to hookup culture, beliefs, you can still be respectful of someone and not want to be serious with them, the two are not mutually exclusive. It should also be said here that when we read into someone's behavior without having a conversation to actually clarify the stories that we could be making up in our head, we're essentially setting ourselves up for disappointment. If you've had a discussion pre-sex, that this is only a hookup only casual, and then you choose to interpret the fact that they snuggled you afterwards as an indication that they must be in love with you. That's an invitation to check in with yourself and with them. All these things you can do openly and honestly, post sex. Sex is a vulnerable and intimate thing to share with someone. Post sex you're naked, exposed, potentially you've just had an orgasm, and your body is now flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, we need to allow space and connection to come down from that experience to sue our nervous system. Disconnecting too soon can lead to feelings of shame, low self worth, and even trigger abandonment, wounding. Shame is a big one. And many of us can experience feelings of guilt or shame after sex or even after masturbation due to societal cultural religious conditioning.
Now, Gail salts who is an MD and Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, School of Medicine, shares that women in particular have been socialized to feel that sex for sexual gratification only is a shameful act, which of course we know it's not. But she says nonetheless, being cared for, in some way afterwards, often mitigates those feelings of shame. Now, I know so many people experience this feeling after sex where you sort of come down and you start feeling like oh, gosh, filled with shame. And this is really due to socialization. So know that it is normal and that it does come up. There is also something called post coital dysphoria, or post sex blues, which is essentially the feeling of having these emotions rise feeling a bit sad or anxious, maybe even melancholic, agitated or just disconnected after sex. And it's rather common. Some studies actually suggest that roughly half of us have experienced this before.
So, aftercare is for everyone. I asked you this week over on Instagram to share what the things you appreciated post sex, I got absolutely inundated with responses, and I noticed quite a few things. I'm going to share these all with you now. But the biggest takeaway, I believe, is the simplest, presence. Be present. Don't disconnect from one another after sharing something so intimate, stay present, connected and truly be with the other person, even after climax. It makes such a huge difference to your intimacy and honestly to everybody's self esteem and nervous systems.
Okay, here are some of the things that you shared with me when having p and v sex not pulling out right away post orgasm is so so important. It feels so nice to stay connected. Now, of course, this needs to take into account your contraceptive agreement. Obviously we all know that pulling out that method alone is not at all reliable. That's a whole other episode. If it is possible for you to stay inside your partner or have your partner stay inside you without compromising your contraception. It's a beautiful way to stay connected. I think that this one can be really underrated. Sex is the ultimate way to connect. And when you have literally been inside someone, or had someone inside you that's vulnerable, that's intimate. So to withdraw immediately, we can often feel, especially as the vulva owner know, energetically and emotionally, this sense of detachment, if it's done too soon. Speaking as a woman, and someone who has worked with many women who have sex with men, I know that some types of sex can leave us feeling used. And this is going to sound crass, but it's true, we can sometimes feel like we've simply been a vessel for you to jack off into, it feels pretty awful, particularly when your pleasure isn't prioritized, or it's straight up ignored. When there's no intimacy, eye contact, or attempt to connect, it can leave us feeling used, worthless, unimportant. Now, of course, this is a much bigger issue, but it's a common thing that women can feel. So if you're having penetrative sex with a woman, be aware of this, staying inside her for a while post orgasm, and simply holding one another and being in each other's energy can be a beautiful way to stay connected. And again, of course, there are other practical reasons why this might not be an option. So be safe around contraception, ensure that everyone is comfortable and check in first. But something to consider.
The number one theme was probably the most simple, yet meaningful. I got so so many responses, all about post sex, cuddles. Again, this is about staying in one another's energy or remaining close to that skin on skin contact. It's the most easy and natural thing to do post sex and it feels so, so good. We're going to talk about the behaviors to avoid at the end of the episode, the ones that make you feel kind of awful, but essentially not having post sex cuddles is right up there. That's one that people really, really try to avoid. So cuddles after sex, always a winner.
Now, of course, you can if you need to get up to pee or clean up. But overwhelmingly, the feedback was try not to do that immediately, at least away a little bit of time, connect first and then come straight back, don't get distracted. I also think that this is an opportunity to communicate and to provide assurance. So many of us are unfortunately used to people simply getting up and leaving or going off and doing something else. So perhaps if you do need to get up if you want to clean up or if you want to go use the bathroom. Say something like I'll be right back. I'm just going to quickly wash this off or I'll be back. Do you need anything or just give me one minute and I'm going to come and give you a cuddle, something like that. So they feel comfortable and know that you're not just going to leave and start doing something else, turn the TV on or leave the room. But on that note, another theme that I noticed was that a lot of people would prefer that you don't actually get up to clean yourself off immediately. I had one follower actually said enjoy that marinade. And another even suggested just keeping some towels by the bed so that you don't have to get up if you do feel like you need to clean off. So something to consider so that you're not actually exiting that energy. Sex is very energetic in nature. Everything we do is energetic in nature. But when I say energetic, I mean esoterically we have this energy, our energies are intertwined, not just our bodies. So it's important to keep that energy sacred and potent, even after you finished having sex.
Let's continue with more ideas of ways to stay connected post sex. Entwined with cuddles, many of you said you love having your body gently stroked or lightly tickled with someone's fingertips all along your skin, having your hair stroked or caressed. These are the things that just make you feel really nurtured, cared for and appreciated. Again, so simple, yet so potent. You can also take touch to the next level by perhaps giving each other a soft essential massage as well. Delicious.
And further to that let's not downplay the importance of kissing. I think too often we see kissing and making out as the lead up to Word sex. But it can also be a lovely way to reconnect and to continue that passion, while maybe just adjusting the pace and the style to suit the softer, more subtle post sex energy, something that someone also brought up was being kissed by their partner, after you've gone down on them, or vice versa, they shared that it felt a little bit disappointing or sad, when their partner wouldn't kiss them after sex, especially if they've just gone down on them. And I feel like this is too common that people won't do this. And I really think it needs to be questioned if you're not comfortable kissing someone who's potentially just swallowed you. That's something to unpack. So consider that and how it might make the other person feel kissing. We love kissing.
Now to maintain a more romantic connection, there is nothing quite like eyegazing or just simple eye contact, looking into one another's eyes, or even doing an intentional I gazing practice. If you're new around here, I am so passionate about the power of eye contact and a bang on about it all the time. I have an entire episode on this. It's episode number 22. Honestly, looking into someone's eyes, I think it is so powerful. And what it does is it portrays presence. It shows the person that you're there, you're with them, you're not distracted, they're important to you.
Now many of you also said that something you love post sex is falling asleep in one another's arms, whether this is just for a nap, or heading off to bed. Now the difference here is that you've connected before falling asleep. This is about sleeping with each other as opposed to, you know, simply rolling over and energetically detaching from the person. So I think it's still important to have that time where you connect before you just fall asleep without having, you know, acknowledged what just happened or even speaking to the other person, which unfortunately, with the feedback that I got all the responses that I received from you, a lot of people said, Oh, I hate when they just roll over, and don't even say anything to me and fall asleep. Oh, awful.
Now, of course, logistically, being intertwined with someone might not be how you best sleep. And as someone who is the wigliest worm, obviously, in the world, I move around a lot in my sleep. I know that it's not exactly achievable to stay cuddled, and sleep well, but the sentiment here remains close. Be that physically or energetically, it's a really lovely thing to consider post sex naps or sleeps. And while laying in each other's embrace, particularly right after climax, I had a lot of you share with me that you like to tune in to one another's breath. Breathe together, co-regulate your breath. This is a really, really beautiful practice that can bring you closer together.
Now many of you also mentioned food and drinks. Now we know that sex is often and endurance exercise, it often takes some energy out of you. And so it's good to rehydrate, have a glass of water nearby, have some snacks together, maybe you want to cook a meal together or simply order something in. This is a beautiful way to remain connected. We all know that food helps us to connect with people. This is a beautiful way to keep the intimacy alive as well.
I also had a bunch of responses specifically about chocolate and fruit. So snacks after sex, specially sweet ones. It's essential. It's delicious. Definitely a good time. And another idea to stay connected for your aftercare after sex is to watch something together. So again, I would always suggest taking time to actually chat and connect physically with one another first. And this isn't about just turning the TV on. There's a completely different energy to chatting and deciding on a favorite show to put on and then the energy of just like rolling over and turning the TV on with no thought or connection to the other person. You know that's disconnecting that's like, Oh no, now I care about the TV. I don't care about you anymore. We want to make sure that we maintain connected and that we're doing this together now.
So for me, a really cute experience that I recently had was watching RuPaul drag race while eating tacos in bed after delicious sex and plenty of cuddles. Now they knew that I haven't seen the show before and are excited to introduce it to me. And so it felt meaningful and sweet to watch it together. Now, clearly, it doesn't have to be something romantic that you're watching.
But remember, as well, that there's a difference between intimate and romantic.
Now another thing to consider for your aftercare, I had many people share that having their partner jump in the shower immediately, you know, essentially leaving and going to have a shower, left them feeling quite disconnected. You know, while they were still laying on the bed, and their partner was away in the shower. A lot of you said that that felt quite jarring. And so I want to suggest that showering together could be a really nice intimate way to stay connected. While potentially moving on with your day. You know, if you need to head out or off to work or do something else, like of course, we know that we don't have hours and hours and hours to stay in this one bubble of love. But you can get ready together and stay in that connection, at least for a while, you know, having a shower together watching one another. It's a beautiful way to stay connected, and it allows you the chance to keep that touch going and the conversation going as well.
Speaking of conversation, this again was a very popular theme. Chat afterwards, don't just go style and chat afterwards. Don't just go silent. Stay connected through conversation, talk openly about what you enjoyed your favorite part, what you want to explore next time. Often you can discuss what is referred to as the glow moments and the grow moments, essentially your highs and lows, what you really enjoyed and what you maybe didn't where there's room for improvement. But having said that, I would absolutely suggest erring on the side of focusing on the glow moments. Of course, if any boundaries were crossed or agreements not honored, it's incredibly important to speak up about that in the moment and afterwards to ensure that you're on the same page. But that aside, remember that this is a vulnerable space and try not to be overly critical here. There's definitely times and there's a time and place to bring up the things that you are not into and I would suggest this pre sex or even away from sex as well. But choose your words carefully here and try to err on the side of sharing what you loved and perhaps even excitedly suggesting what you'd love to try next time as well.
Another simple thing that some of you also mentioned was saying I love you, or any other words of affirmation or compliments, things to show your affection for one another. It can mean so much and really reiterate that you do care about each other and not just each other's bodies and not just about the sex. Another way to feel respected as opposed to potentially feeling used or objectified. Talking about sex post sex is a big one. But you can also just talk about anything else to have a laugh, have a fun conversation, let it flow naturally. It sounds so simple, but it's often severely overlooked. Too many people shared with me that their partner might just go silent or just ignore them.
So when we're talking about aftercare, it can be easy to think that it's simply the space of time immediately after sex. And yes, vitally important. But I'd also suggest checking in the following day or that evening, you know, just a sweet text about how you had a good time, maybe a compliment. It can assuage any fears or doubts that contend to creep in after sex, wondering Oh gosh, did they like it? Or Oh gosh, did they still like me? We know that that self doubt comes in. So do your partner a favor and share something the next day, that evening, just to check in and keep that aftercare going.
Now let's explore the post sex behaviors that we really need to bring a collective and to I got lots and lots of responses to my question box about this on my stories. And as I was reading through these, honestly, I felt so frustrated I felt so sad because the response indicates that these are wildly common experiences that people are having. And I know I've experienced most of these in the past two, though, as I've grown to honor myself more, I feel that I've gotten better at the art of discernment, and much stronger and my boundaries. So I find that I no longer attract people who would act like this. And that's something that I'm incredibly grateful for. But I know that these experiences are common. So if you recognize these as normal behaviors, or ways you've been treated, or that you've acted in one of the following ways towards a sexual partner in the past, I invite you to check in with yourself, and to practice setting clear boundaries, or really considering how the other person could be impacted by your behavior. So every single response I received was essentially a variation of this, don't get up immediately. Not to clean up not to pee, get water, and particularly, don't get up and put your clothes on straightaway. Don't leave, don't ask the other person to leave. Basically, don't be in a rush to disconnect. It can feel so so jarring. And it can trigger those that post sex blues, you've just connected in a really intimate way, physically, emotionally energetically. So it's important to honor that.
Now another huge one was don't grab your phone and start scrolling or texting someone else. Truly, I feel like this one is obvious. But my gosh, the amount of times this one was sent in. Clearly, there are a lot of people out there rolling over grabbing their phones, Instagram can wait. At least give your partner a hug. If you need to check the time. Say I just want to check the time. I've got to get to work. But you know, communicate. Be clear. Try to stay in that energy for awhile. It can feel so awful to feel like oh, okay, now you're done with me. And I just sort of, you know, cast aside like garbage. And honestly, this is what I'm saying and it sounds ridiculous to say it, right. But these are things that we can think of. And we can feel this way like, Oh, wow. So suddenly, I'm not important because you've had an orgasm. And now you're going to just, you know, text your mate. Really, really, please don't get up immediately. Don't grab your phone. Essentially, this is about acknowledging that there's another person in the room with feelings. And if you've just had sex with them, you should probably care about them to some degree, check in, stay connected, communicate.
Now aftercare is going to look really different depending if you're with an established partner, or a new partner. And this is totally okay. You'll learn over time, the things that you do require. If you're with a first time lover, then please don't be afraid to speak up and request what you need, you can simply share, you know, I noticed that after sex, I can feel a little bit disconnected. And so I'd really like it if we could just cuddle for a bit. Really Be confident in stating your needs. I encourage you to talk about what things you need to feel comfortable and cared for and to also check in with your lover to what they require. This is a really great conversation to have separate from sex so that you're prepared. Now perhaps you could even send this episode to your partner and ask them, What resonated for them and share what resonated for you and also brainstorm on any other ideas that you have things that you'd like to do post sex that feel nurturing and nourishing for you.
So that is aftercare. I hope that this has resonated with you. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I hope that you feel empowered to incorporate aftercare into your sex life from now on, and that you find it as nourishing as I do.
Until next time, stay sensual.
